Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in Gwynnethe's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
5:03 am	Awake I can't promise this will go well, but practice is practice. I have been awake for the past 4 1/2 hours getting nowhere. I don't understand how a body can operate this way, it needs sleep. (I can hardly type correctly... my inability to think properly.) I hope this is pregnancy. Then it will be worth it. We'll see.... When I woke up earlier, I was in such pain. My hip was killing me. A couple of Vicodin and Soma only turned down the volume. Gosh, I can't really think here. Words just usually flow and I don't have to think very much. *shrugs* and so it goes. I guess I will just try this later when my head is clearer and I can more properly channel the writer. Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Monday, October 3rd, 2005
2:47 pm	Delicate Words used to be my muse. I suppose at times they can be, but I find myself more and more wading into the depths of music that words used to be. I supposed it may be that over time I have found words to completely unexpressive of what I feel. How many times can you say "I'm sad" and have it mean anything at all? As you say it and say it again, it becomes so base and loses meaning. After time you say "so what" because it means nothing new... although the intention of saying it doesn't mean the same thing as it did the moment before. Words are so insufficient. My feelings change like music, a little more bass this time, a wooden flute this time, or a simple piano echoing the a dark room. The same music can take on so much more through the delivery and the instruments. How have I become so still? So afraid to move in any direction? How do I communicate so someone will understand? How can I find normal in such a dismal place? I am so tired of trying to seem normal when I so feel I am not. Why is it that this place can be okay and I feel the wetness of the waves of serenity and peace on my toes and the next day be on baren shores and completely alone? Did I move that much? Will I drive away the things I love most? What happens when they are gone? Current Mood: lonely (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 4th, 2005
1:45 pm	Back in the saddle again AAAaaahhhh.... finally starting to feel like myself again. The past two days have been filled with pain and stiffness. I hate that. I took my Cymbalta (I seem to have missed a couple days) and whoosh... felt better. Amazing how our bodies work, no? I have decided I need to take better care of myself. I had let my diet go, letting back lots of sugar in which has, of course, made me feel better for the short term, and worse for the long term. It's all about comfort and in times like this, with a terminally ill mom, I need all the comfort I can get. But really, the greatest gift I could give her is to treat myself better. Lose some weight and feel better. I just have to remind myself of how much better I felt with all the processed crap out of my diet. I really did feel much better. I also felt better when I got in the water and ran on the underwater treadmill. This means I would have to get up earlier, but it would be worth it. Heard from a spirit I hadn't heard from in awhile. It is so refresing to get back in touch with those who have touched you in a way you can't even express. (Hi C/v!!!) It is so easy to get caught up in the now and let people you love move off into the periphery. Hopefully all those in the periphery know how much I love them and what a difference they make to me. I feel sometimes I should be better about actually finding and telling those people that... but I hope they know that silence isn't ignorance of their constant presence. The words come much easier today. Perhaps it is because I have much to "report" and am not exploring the feelings side... no, perhaps that isn't it. Perhaps it is the lack of pressure to "create" something. After all, I started my journal with the intention to practice creating. The creating process with discipline, something I need to massage in order to write something more meaningful. (A novel, perhaps?) I feel I have the stories within, I just need the creative discipline to get them out. I don't know why I hold it to be so much "work." (Probably because I feel I have such limited energy, and anything "extra" means I have to sacrifice something.) The Stone is finally coming to an end, not without controversy. Frankly, I am about ready to plunk down my $40 and call it good. I admit I disagree with the SKs methodology of execution. That can be overcome. It's not about winning for me, its about closure. It is about the potential to be enlightened about what has been in Rod's head this whole time. I also realize that may not come to fruition, but it is at least worth a shot. Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 20th, 2005
5:28 pm	A Moment Like This It's been such a quiet day. Being away from home is really odd. I have to agree with my dad, in regards to taking care of my mom, it's just easier to keep going. A moment to myself is just odd. Not that it feels wrong necessarily, just odd. I feel the need to cook, dunno if anyone around here will have the patience for it. That's okay, that's part of the reason I am writing. Creative outlet. I keep thinking about what I want to do careerwise next. It's tough, I would like to have another child and that would certainly keep me occupied. But, it could be school, could be another job, could be my old job at the law firm (which it extremely demanding)... but I just don't know. There is so much that interests me and that I like. Anyhow, more thoughts on that later. But for now, I should head back and join the crew. Try to have a good time. It's just hard when I feel so sad. Current Mood: listless (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 10th, 2005
4:27 am	Will the madness end?!?!? I was 24 minutes late, is that a plus? *sighs* 3:24 and here I am awake again. I had some warm milk and chocolate. I also re-upped my dad's virus security and clean out the cookies on this machine. Perhaps I will just take some more pain meds and try and conk out. Today was a much more emotionally trying day. I love taking care of my mom, but some days are complete and utter joy, and others are more difficult. It's not so much that these days differ in content really, I would suppose the biggest factor is this sleep thing. I have been, ever so slowly, reading my way through this fibromyalgia and myofasical pain textbook. Being a textbook it is a bit cumbersome of a read. It was written for those studying massage who have more extensive knowledge of anatomy than I do. That's okay, I can look up anything I need to in order to gain a better understanding. I love the Internet for that. (And libraries too!) I can't understand how my mother did all the things she did when I was growing up. I certainly don't have that kind of energy, or really, I do, but no energy for anything else. I kinda like my "off-the-cuff" kind of life. I really respect all she did. I just wish she could be better at the being part of life now. Perhaps that is my purpose in being here. I hate to admit it, but I am nervous about the finances. My family could really use me back at work in order to support our lifestyle. I am sure we can learn to live on one salary, but it will be difficult. Well, I am hurting again, so I guess I will proceed to medtime/bedtime. Hopefully I won't be back until the sun is well into the sky. Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Monday, August 8th, 2005
7:43 pm	Sorry, we're closed.... Why is it that when I have so much going on in my head, but by the time I reach the computer, most of it is gone. :-( I am out at my parent's house taking care of my mother. We had a pretty rough day. She is in late stages of cancer and is half blind. She fell this morning just walking from one room to the next. She says it is her eyesight, but it's really the whole package. She bent the hell out of her glasses, which I ended up fixing as much as I could, seeing as how the eye doctor was closed today. She has also been wanting physical therapy and we finally got it scheduled only to find that the place was seemingly also closed today. Nobody home. Guess we'll try again tomorrow. Better go check on her... there is more for me to write and I am sure I will have the time after I get her into bed. Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
7:23 am	Dreary Awakenings Another restless, insatiating night. If only I could get a good 8 hour sleep without interruptions... *sighs* So, here I am at 7am, up but nowhere near ready to encounter the day. I am in so much pain from my fibromyalgia. The weather is crappy today, overcast and damp. I am sure that is a factor. Last night we ventured out to Half Price Books after spending the afternoon with one of our best family friends, the Meeks. They have a son Gabriel's age. The boys got along really well. Their personalities are so different but I think it is great that can still mesh well. Anyhow... as per usual I found 7 books I wanted to bring home. All of it was cooking/health centered. That's the way I am, I want to know everything about everything. My latest refound interest is cooking and macrobiotics. Over a year ago, I had cut out all simple carbs... bread, pasta, sugar, potatoes, flour... nothing white. I lost 40 pounds and felt really great. Then I found Caramel Macchiatos at Starbucks, and then sugars, and then sodas (I love Coca-cola!) A little bit of that "white stuff" back in my diet and I was rehooked. I am trying to get unhooked, but it is so hard. Hopefully the two "how to cook" books I bought will inspire me. I also found a textbook on fibromyalgia and myalgia pain syndromes. I hope it too will unlock some mysteries for me. Being in pain every day sucks. I decided to pick up Harry Potter, book 4 since I devoured book 6 as soon as it came out. Interesting reading going back to that books with all the knowledge of the next books. I can see how J.K. is weaving together. Practice, practice and perhaps I can get there and write the stories in my head. I think I would like to do that for a living, at least partially. The people close to me think that would be a great activity for me. I think so too, but feel so rusty at expressing myself. It's been ages since I have written any poetry, my favorite medium for writing. Perhaps I should join a writer's group... yes, I think that would be a good strategic activity. Unfortunately, for me right now, it's one step at a time, one moment at a time. Well, I should at least go try to relax and perhaps get something accomplished before I head out to my mother's house. More on that later... Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 7th, 2005
5:44 am	early hour I can't believe I am up at this crazy hour, and yet I can. Obviously it's the new trend. I can't even get my brain in gear to write anything. The kitten and his mommy-mentor cat are at my feet wrestling. Wish I had energy like that! We got out of the house this evening, which was pretty great. We walked up and down a few streets and were just heading home when my four-year old son fell. It was one of those moments that he tempted the universe by running ahead, saying "My blinking shoes help me see where I am going..." just before he hit the thick branch on the ground and went sprawling. I was a good mommy and swooped him up immediately and walked more determinedly than I had all evening. My husband and I cleaned up the road rash on his knee and we exchanged "owwey stories." He listened very seriously and we felt this sense of commeraderie when we completed our stories. I just love having a kid. He's so amazing and thoughtful (aka full of thoughts.) He recently spent the night with his best friend, Grant. He talks about Grant all the time and wants to be with him and since it is the son of one of my best friends, I highly encourage it. On the afternoon she kept him, she took them to her church to set out the membership table. She told them that they needed to be quiet and behave while they were in "God's House." This statement, of course, intrigued my son as he has not been to church with us and we have had brief discussions on our beliefs. If this was "God's House," surely the boys could find him. My son, Gabriel, in telling me about this said "Grant and I looked all over for God, but we couldn't find him." At this I chuckled. "He wasn't in the bathroom or the big room, he must have been upstairs, but we couldn't go up there." We had a long discussion about who God is and how we can communicate with God, and how other people feel they need to communicate with God. He seemed to absorb my thoughts, which were being echoed by my mother. Of course, when he saw his Dad, we were back to "looking for God in God's House." *sighs* He's so four. As I sit here, I feel so tired. I rest my head on one hand and feel like I could keel over. Ha. I have been trying to sleep for a good hour with no success. This really sucks. I hope that I can find a way to "turn down the volume" of my fibromyalgia. The pain, nausea, gassiness, achiness, tiredness is just so overwhelming right now. I want to get so much accomplished around my house, hell, a simple cleaning would be great. (but then there's painting and tiling and such I want to get done....) Rah. Would a new house be any better, or just another stress from a higher mortgage payment? Guess I will try sleep again and hope it takes before the sun rises. Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 6th, 2005
1:31 pm	So much to do... As one might have guessed, yesterday's effort to write was sadly interrupted. And so it goes. My boys are out for a moment, so I have a moment to write. I woke up several times this morning, at 3am and 6 am. I wasn't ready to move and get on with the day at either time. I got a little more sleep, but still feel exhausted. It is so frustrating to feel tired and exhausted and in pain every day. As I write that there is a part of my mind that says "how whiny does that sound?!?!?" So self critical. I just wish I could feel normal. (as if there is such a thing *smirks*) Lately I have been inspired to review my macrobiotic books. It's a lifestyle I would love to take in, and yet I resist it. Why is that? Why do I resist something I know would make me look and more importantly, feel better? I guess it looks like alot of work. I would have to cook more and, *gasp* say "no." Well, the boys are back already. *sigh* Back to housework. Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Friday, August 5th, 2005
4:19 pm	My Thunder Sound So, today is a perfect today to start writing again. (what day isn't) I said this is what I wanted to do, but needed the time in which to do it. I have that time. Time is a funny thing. It moves so quickly and yet so slowly. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 23rd, 2004
11:30 am	Another Direction You have taught the body to hate and now you must reteach it to love and to listen to itself It will remember because that is truly its nature. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 24th, 2004
10:13 pm	Move Over Erin Brockovich... I recently started working at a law firm as a research assistant. It's a great job, I basically get to surf the Internet for a living. (not all glitz and glam, truly) Still, I like being a know-it-all so this job is perfectly suited for me. I also have an interesting approach to things, which can only be an asset in this type of position. If someone can't find it the most logical way, they come to me. I then find an illogical way to get the information they need. I truly believe that the answer to almost everything is already out there in the Universe, it's all just a matter of where you look. So, the past few weeks, I have spent looking for places to look. I am becoming an expert on Internet resources, and learning quickly, that "expert" is a loose term. I have always thought myself Internet savvy, and the more I learn, the less I know. Take our old friend Google, for example, a staple of my searching. I know about boolean searching, but there is more to Google than just boolean. Who knew? (people who have written Web sites and books, it seems) So, now I can make Google conduct more focused searching. I learned about stemming, truncation and proximity. I now know about allinsite: and intitle: and much, much more. An old friend made new. :-) Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)